


Letting It Out

by Ceilingtile



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: (in a sense), Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:20:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22066921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceilingtile/pseuds/Ceilingtile
Summary: This always happened. Feliciano would start thinking of him and be left in tears.How could he love another, when he's stuck in his past?Would Ludwig accept him no matter what?
Relationships: Germany/North Italy (Hetalia)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	Letting It Out

_ “It wasn’t because I didn’t like you, Holy Rome.” _

At first, his memories came to him when he walked among the flowers. Then, it was when he was painting and cooking. They rushed through his mind every time he looked at Ludwig. It was shameful, the way he compared the two of them. It was cruel to Ludwig, who was unaware of Feliciano’s internal conflict. It was cruel to Holy Rome, the one his heart belonged to. 

Feliciano was walking amongst the lilies and roses, which he had planted with Ludwig at the beginning of the season when his mind first slipped. 

_ “Please! Come take a walk with me,” Feliciano asked, tugging on the other’s sleeve. Holy Rome seemed alarmed at the contact, blushing furiously, but he did not struggle when he was being pulled towards Roderich’s garden.  _

_ The flowers were flourishing, with bees and butterflies fluttering about them. It was idyllic, a beautiful scene for a painting. Feliciano made a note to come back with a canvas.  _

_ “You know, these flowers…” Holy Rome started.  _

_ “Hm?” Feliciano perked his head up.  _

_ “You’reprettierthananyflower!”  _

_ Before he could understand what the other boy said, Holy Rome was already back inside the large home. He couldn’t wait to tell Miss Elizabeta during dinner. With one last look at the flowers, and a quick look-over at his apron and slowly made his way back to the house. _

“Feli?” asked a close voice. 

With a gasp, Feliciano looked up to Ludwig, who was standing over him. 

“What are you doing? I’ve been looking for you. We have to get to the meeting.”

“Oh, yes! I was just… looking at the flowers. Aren’t they beautiful?”

Ludwig looked to the flowers, bending down and pretending to examine them. He swiftly plucked a lily and tucked it behind Feli’s ear. His face was slightly flushed and it looked as though he wanted to say something, but he shook his head and said, “I’ll meet you in the car, alright?” 

It alarmed him, how similar Ludwig was to his lost love. His fingers reached up for the lily. These small acts made him wonder about Ludwig’s feelings. They hadn’t talked about how the other felt since Valentine’s Day when Feliciano turned him down. Ludwig hadn’t seemed upset after a day or two, merely saying it was a misunderstanding and that he was doing it for Feliciano. 

The meeting went by quickly, as most of them do when hosted in Germany. Say what you will, but Ludwig was an excellent planner and was prepared for the ritualistic shenanigans of the other countries. Feliciano watched as Ludwig pointed to the charts he prepared but he couldn’t focus on what he was saying. These recent discussions were boring to him. Of course, he has always been more interested in the arts than in warfare or diplomatic meetings. The other countries, by the looks of it, were also becoming lulled by the constant stream of information. Perhaps this is what Ludwig’s plan was. They couldn’t cause a commotion if they were all asleep. He laughed to himself and pretended to write something down. 

Time passed by, and before he knew it, everyone got up to leave. Feliciano stood and stretched, waiting for Ludwig to pack. 

“Are you waiting for him?” Kiku asked. 

“Yes! I rode with him on the way here,” Feliciano responded. 

“Well, if you have a ride home I think I’ll leave. Please tell Ludwig that I will send him the minutes.” 

Feliciano nodded and waved goodbye to his friend before greeting his brother. 

“Lovino! I didn’t know you were here!”

“Probably because you were so focused on that potato-bastard. One of us has to pay attention to the meetings,” Lovino shrugged and rolled his eyes. 

“You never did like them,” Roderich added, joining the conversation. 

Feliciano was a little surprised by the number of people talking to him today. Usually, everyone is too frantic to leave to actually say goodbye. 

“So, should I expect you home tonight?” Lovino asked, ready to leave. 

“No, I’m staying with Luddy tonight.”

“You two make me physically ill,” Lovino jokingly said.

“I remember you used to complain and avoid any sort of serious topic when you were little. You always preferred painting in the garden. Perhaps that was a good thing,” Roderich mused, walking up to the brothers.

“I still do, honestly,” Feliciano sighed, running his hands through his hair. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. You and…” Roderich started before catching himself, “You always found some way around my rules.”

Feliciano felt his breath hitch. It was obvious what the other man was trying to avoid saying. ‘ _ Come on Feliciano. Get over it. _ ’

“Well, Elizabeta and Holy Rome really helped. Luddy is taking a while, I’ll go see what he’s doing. It was good seeing you!” Feliciano quickly forced out before running to Ludwig. He hoped that the scene wasn’t as awkward as he felt it was. 

Lovino elbowed an apologetic Roderich before the two of them left. 

“Are you okay?” Ludwig asked. 

‘ _ Of course, he would notice,’ thought Feliciano. _ “We were just talking about when I was little. It was kind of embarrassing.”

“I am sure you were cute. I wish I remembered anything,” Ludwig mused, shutting his briefcase. 

“You don’t remember anything?” Feliciano asked. He should have known this, but looking back, they never really talked about Ludwig’s past. 

“It’s odd, and a little embarrassing when I say it out loud. Gilbert had always told me it doesn’t matter. What do you want for dinner,” Ludwig rambled, wanting to turn the conversation around. 

“Hmm,” Feliciano paused, pretending to consider all of his options. “I think I’ll make pasta tonight, but it’s a surprise. Can you make dessert tonight?”

Ludwig, grateful that Feliciano went along with him, nodded his head and walked out of the building. Ludwig opened the passenger door before walking to his own. 

Feliciano blushed as he sat down, appreciating the sentiment. 

He hummed to himself, a tune that he sang with Elizabeta way back then, while he plated the food. The dishes that were piled precariously to the side could be dealt with later. The cake was already done and was cooling in the fridge. Every time Ludwig was in the kitchen, completely absorbed in baking, he seemed to carry a different air about him. He seemed happier, smiling without care and only creasing his brows in seriousness when icing. Ludwig was very handsome, but even more so when doing what he loves. It was similar to when he played with his dogs or joined him in painting. 

“I remember being old enough to bake with Gilbert,” Ludwig told Feliciano, pulling him from his thoughts. 

Ludwig was being very open with him, a welcome yet alarming change from his usual demeanor. 

“He would make up his own recipes, with more failure than success. However, when he succeeded, it was amazing,” Ludwig continued. 

“Everything you make is wonderful, Luddy. Mostly your desserts,” Feliciano laughed. 

“I think my cuisine is fine,” Luddy chuckled. 

_ “What do you mean? It’s fine,” Holy Rome muttered, gesturing to the plate in his hands.  _

_ Feliciano stared at the dish in disbelief, stomach growling.  _

_ “I’ll leave it here for you, I don’t care whether or not you eat it.”  _

_ Feliciano waited for Holy Rome to leave the room before grabbing the plate off the table. He was awfully hungry. It wasn’t his fault that Roderich fed him all this nasty food. It made him long for the food his grandfather would make. This food was poorly made, but it was apparent that the chef in question made the attempt.  _

_ ‘Did Holy Rome make it himself?’ Feliciano would have to thank him later.  _

“Feli?” 

“Oh! Sorry! I’ve been zoning out a lot lately. Maybe it’s the weather?” Feliciano offered, face flushed in embarrassment. Why did Ludwig have to remind him of his past? 

“You should paint later,” Ludwig told him, placing his wrist to Feliciano’s forehead as if he was checking for fever.

“Why would I do that?” Feliciano questioned. There were a few projects that he did want to work on, but Ludwig has never outright suggested he go off and paint. 

“You’ve said it helps you with focus,” Ludwig frowned, “Unless I was mistaken?” 

“You should join me!”

“If I haven’t before, why would I now?” 

“Because Luddy! For me?” Feliciano worked his puppy-eyes in Ludwig’s direction. 

Ludwig paused, watching Feliciano out of the corner of his eye as he pretended to think. He was, no doubt, going to say yes. In the past, Feliciano would fall for Ludwig’s antics but he had gotten so used to it. He grinned and took Ludwig’s hand, pulling them into the “painting room”. It used to be Gilbert’s office, but since Ludwig took over most of the work it hadn’t been used often. The room was better used for Feli’s art supplies and whatever things needed storage. A few framed paintings were on the wall, mostly Feliciano’s pieces. He had managed to convince Ludwig to hang one of his up, even though it embarrassed Ludwig. It was just some flowers, Feliciano assumed they were based on the ones in the garden but he wasn’t going to ask. 

Pulling up another stool and easel, he patted down on the seat, eager to paint. Ludwig grabbed the aprons, quickly throwing his on. 

“Tie mine for me?” Feliciano turned around, holding the strings in his hands. 

Ludwig chuckled, trying to play it off as a huff. “This time. But you need to learn to make good knots. Remember when your boot laces would always come undone?” Ludwig took the strings and quickly tied them together, moving Feliciano closer to him in the process. 

“You’d complain but always end up double-knotting them!” 

Feliciano used to do a lot of things to get Ludwig’s attention, but has since stopped now that he felt secure in their friendship… relationship… thing. 

“A soldier needs to have secure shoes. Everyone should have secure shoes, really.” Ludwig laughed at his own… joke? Ludwig, surprisingly, was always laughing at his own jokes. It delighted Feliciano to no end, even if he didn’t always get them. 

“There should be another canvas in the corner. You know where the paints are?” He sat down in front of his current work, another garden scene with a focus on a marble statue. Overdone? Possibly. There was something about them that he always found so enchanting, and Ludwig liked them too. 

Ludwig prepped his canvas, before finding himself stuck. The hardest part for him was always thinking of what to paint. 

“Paint Berlitz,” Feliciano suggested, dabbing his paint into a light green. 

“I can do that. I think.” Ludwig angled his easel away from Feliciano and started. 

It was a few hours in. Feliciano felt good about his progress, still working on the bushes and the leaves of the trees. Ludwig hadn’t said a word, only looking more and more stressed as the clock ticked by. His eyebrows were furrowed together, and he was biting his lip. It was cute, in a way, seeing Ludwig so focused on something that wasn’t a pile of papers. Feliciano couldn;t help but tilt his seat, trying to get a better look at the canvas. 

“H-hey! It’s not ready,” Ludwig mumbled, further pulling his easel away. 

“Let me see! Even if it sucks, I’ll still like it!” 

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?” 

Feliciano took a second before giving a simple, “Yes. Yes, it is.” He continued, “Grandpa Rome used to say every painting of mine was good, as long as I put heart into it!” 

“A lovely sentiment.” Ludwig nodded his head solemnly. 

Ludwig moved the easel to where Feliciano could see it, revealing an… animal? 

‘That’s lovely… a rabbit? I thought you were painting Berlitz?” 

While there was an obvious attempt, painting just didn’t seem to be Ludwig’s thing. 

“It is? Does it look that bad? I thought this one was pretty good.” 

“Oh! Yes, I was just looking at it wrong.” Feliciano sat his hand down on Ludwig’s leg. 

“I-I’ll leave it to dry.” Ludwig quickly stood, moving the easel back to the wall. 

“Oh- Okay! Do you have work to do still?” 

“Yes, lots of work. You should start on your pile soon.” 

With that, Ludwig was gone and Feliciano was again left with his memories. 

_ “Teach me how to draw?” The question came out more as a command. Either way, it still struck him off guard.  _

_ “You want to paint with me?”  _

_ “I see you out here all the time. And if you’re always painting then Rome probably did too. It’s training.” _

_ Feliciano sighed. Holy Rome seemed to always think of Grandpa Rome. Either way, it was still sweet that he came to him for help.  _

_ “Grab a canvas from my room. We’ll start with something small.”  _

_ In the end, Holy Rome tried to take Feliciano’s advice, but he still ended up with… _

_ “A rabbit? I mean, of course, it is! I think it’s lovely!”  _

_ “It’s yours then. Go on, take it,” Holy Rome shoved the canvas into Feliciano’s arms.  _

_ “Please think of me when you look at it.”  _

_ With that, Holy Rome left in a hurry leaving Feliciano all alone.  _

“Roderich is sorry about the other day,” Elizabeta told him, taking a sip of her coffee. They didn’t meet up that often anymore, but it was still nice to catch up. “He is worrying himself sick over it.”

“Oh.”

“Oh indeed! He’s been playing the same tunes over and over. Even Gilbert isn’t showing up that often anymore!” She threw her hands in the air, exasperated. 

“Please tell him it’s nothing, okay?” 

“Are you doing okay? You were always so upset this time of year,” Elizabeta placed a hand on his arm gently. 

“I’ve been trying not to think about it. Even Ludwig has been noticing, and he usually never says anything.”

“Well, he’s always been a little… awkward you could say. Even when he was little!” Elizabeta smiled, clapping her hands together. 

“What was he like, when he was younger? I never really got to see him.” 

She paused, her smile faltered slightly. “Gilbert- he liked to keep Ludwig away from everyone. He was very protective of him, can you imagine? He trusted Roderich and me. Ludwig was quiet, very stern. He never grew out of that!”

Feliciano disagreed, but kept that to himself. 

Elizabeta continued, “Gilbert treated him so carefully as if he would splinter into a million pieces, but Ludwig was very eager to learn and train. Have you not asked him about his youth yourself?”

“He said he doesn’t remember much, except for what you just told me.” 

“Ask Gilbert then. There’s not much else for me to tell you.” She looked torn as if she knew much more than she let on. 

“I’ll see him later today, Luddy and I are shopping today. Tell Roderich I said hello for me? It was good seeing you.” 

“West? He was something else alright! I thought he would’ve been more like me, you know, awesome and bold!” Gilbert flexed his arms while laughing. 

“Miss Elizabeta said you were careful with him?” Feliciano prodded. 

Gilbert stopped, looking into Feliciano’s eyes. “There’s a reason why you came here before West, right?”

Feliciano wasn’t expecting him to get so serious. He nodded, turning his attention back to his drink. 

Gilbert pushed back his hair, releasing his breath. 

“At first I did. I mean… I never really had someone to look after. Considering the state he was in, and what happened to him before I took him in.”

This perked Feliciano’s interest.  _ ‘Before I took him in.’ _

“I guess you could say he came from the destruction of a large group of states. He wasn’t exactly like he was before him. A whole new identity, you could say. It broke my heart.” 

“He came from the destruction of a country?”

“Dissolution, more like. I had been keeping an eye on… An eye on the individual in question for a while.” 

Feliciano felt as if he knew who it was, but he didn’t want to admit it to himself. He didn’t even notice his hands start quivering. 

“Feliciano, I didn’t know you were going to be here so soon,” Ludwig said, startling the both of them. 

“West! I have some bad news,” Gilbert jumped up from the couch. 

“Did you eat the rest of the food in the fridge?”

“I figured it would be fine! You two are going out to get more, right? Feli, it’s been good catching up! See ya!” Gilbert met Ludwig at the door, waving before leaving the two alone. 

“He always does this. He’s probably going to go eat all of Roderich’s food,” Ludwig sighed, giving Feliciano the same familiar half-smile. 

“Probably,” Feliciano nodded in agreement, quick to shove his conversation with Gilbert to the back of his mind. He didn’t want to think about that, about  _ him _ , right now. Ludwig was with him, and he deserved Feliciano’s attention.

_ ‘He deserves someone who isn’t holding onto baggage from hundreds of years ago.’  _

The thought came from nowhere like it was someone else talking to him. A private conversation only meant for Feliciano to feel bad about it. It worked. 

“What’s wrong? What did he say?” Ludwig ran to his side, kneeling down to meet him. 

“Luddy, what are you-” 

Tears were forming at the corners of his eyes, slipping at first slowly but building up speed and intensity. His vision was blurred and he flung himself into Ludwig’s arms, much to his surprise. 

“H-hey, what’s wrong? What can I do?” Ludwig wasn’t too experienced in comforting other people, but it was apparent that he was trying. He was softly rubbing Feliciano’s back, resting his chin on Feliciano’s head and moving him so that they could both fit on the couch. 

“I-It’s been so long. My heart won’t forget him. It feels like I’ll never better, I’ll never be what you need and you do all this nice stuff for me even when I hurt you and reject you and you say that it’s okay and it’s nothing but then you’ll smile at me and-” 

“Holy Rome? I know, Feliciano. We’ve known each other for how long now?”

“W-what?” Feliciano looked up at Ludwig, his eyes were red and puffy and tears stained his cheeks.

“I don’t want you to change or forget him for my sake,” Ludwig continued, pulling Feliciano back into his embrace, “It’s good that you remember and love him, isn’t it? You have more emotion and empathy than anyone I know. It’s only natural that you hold your love close to your heart, even when he is gone. I’ll be here for you no matter what, just as you have been here for me.”

Feliciano buried his face into Ludwig’s shoulder. Ludwig still cared for him, loved him? He still wanted Feliciano despite the fact that he also loved another, a past love. 

“Feliciano, I love you. I’ve never said it aloud, even when I proposed. I need you to know that you can come to me, just as I come to you when I need it.”

The first time he found Ludwig crying it had been a shock to him. They were still getting used to each other, Feliciano would drop by often, but not as frequently or as long as he did now. He was sitting on his bed in his pajamas, and his scars were peeking from his tank top. It reminded Feliciano of his grandfather, who would return to him worn ragged and often grievously injured. Rome would encourage him to avoid war and excessive power, to enjoy the finer things of life and to love those around him. It left an impact on him, and yes, it may have made him a weak opponent but it gave him an outlook on the world that was different than those around him. 

Just as he had with Rome, Feliciano would walk up to Ludwig before sitting next to him, always making enough noise to make his presence known. He would rest his head on the other’s shoulder, sometimes Ludwig would speak but sometimes they would sit together until Ludwig was finished. These nights were the shortest. They were also the nights where Feliciano had felt closest to him, to be so trusted when Ludwig had his defense down was a privilege. 

“Thank you, for being so patient with me.” 

“Thank you, for being here with me.” 

There were still days where Feliciano couldn’t look Ludwig in the eyes. There were still days where Ludwig wanted to shut himself up in his room and disappear. Most importantly, they had each other for both the good and the bad. Feliciano could let Ludwig in, and he found that he cared about Ludwig more than he had realized before. He could admire the other’s light blonde hair and stare into his deep blue eyes. He could also hold onto him at night, knowing that it didn’t make him a terrible person and that he wasn’t hurting the one who loves him and who he loves in return. Ludwig was, quite possibly Holy Rome or some part of him, but that didn’t matter. He was Ludwig Beilschmidt and he cared truly and deeply for Feliciano Vargas. 

Ludwig was glad that Feliciano let him in. He understood that Feliciano thought of Holy Rome often, but knew that he was Feliciano’s and felt secure in that. It felt very human, to love and be loved and work together through difficult times. They would continue to stay together until the end just as they had. No one would be surprised at their affection at the world meetings or events hosted by the other countries, just as they wouldn’t be surprised when they announced their engagement. Feliciano was always one for “human” milestones and events. 

With a new understanding of themselves and their relationship, they would finally be able to receive the happiness and joy that they held from themselves for so long. 


End file.
